Has Mario Kart Made Me a Capitalist?

Nothing is more unfair than a blue shell stealing a hard won victory.


Before you troll the comments please be aware that this article is almost entirely sarcastic.

We’ve had over twenty years of incredible Mario Kart games and each one is worth playing. It’s fun, it’s ridiculous and it’s probably the best racing series out there (sorry, Forza fans but nothing comes close to just how addictive Mario Kart is). But the games that give us the greatest joy can also give us the greatest pain, and nothing highlights that more than when you’re in first place and get a blue shell knocking the crap out of you right before the finish-line.

The media does have an influence of how we view politics and our ideologies. Mario Kart seems like such an innocent and innocuous game but not when you play with monsters. They have no honour or respect and it’s soon clear that a meritocracy is a bloody fight to the death, which is okay when you’re in first place but absolutely sucks when people are throwing damn bananas off your head.

“It’s soon clear that a meritocracy is a bloody fight to the death.”

But it’s thrilling and fun and when it goes your way you feel like you begin to finally understand what Americans are on about every time they talk about their dream. This is all shattered though. You hear it. You hear that unmistakable sound of a shell hunting you down. You’ve got seconds on the mob behind but there’s no escape. You can’t slow down now and let someone else be the fall guy because that means a whole group of racers will overtake you and then victory will surely be gone. There’s nothing to do but take it and hope you can recover to slowly crawl over the line. Of course, you can’t. Princess fucking Peach is the one who is first and then Toad is second. 4th is the final result, not even a damn podium.

Yet, it feels so utterly unfair. Every corner was taken perfectly to get an edge. The gap would have been even bigger had it not been for the early banana to the red cap. There had been so much work put into that victory, and it was snatched away by someone so slow they needed to screw the first guy (and they still ended up finishing behind). Is this what socialism is? Stealing from those better and still failing?

No, because it’s a game and making ridiculous comparisons to ideology may get retweets but it’s still utterly insipid. All of the comparisons to socialism need to stop. The ones about theft, slavery, stealing candy from kids (thank Trump’s son for that one) – they’re all vapid and fall down under scrutiny. It’s easy to make a political ideology sound ridiculous. Over-simplifying them is easy to do. Selling scare stories is also easy to do. What’s harder to do is have nuanced conversations. So, no, socialism doesn’t want to steal your fucking sweets. Socialists though kind of want the smears to end. But if there is one thing that libertarians, socialists, communists and anybody who has ever played Mario Kart can agree on it is this – blue shells are the fucking devil.

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